Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Can We Get an Amen, Sister Myotis?

Dear fellow Christians & others,

Here is another interview that I did a few months back, just before the last Memphis run of my hit show, "Sister Myotis's Church Retreat".  This is from a woman named Susan Ellis, who keeps a blog for the Memphis Flyer called "Hungry Memphis".  She asked me a bunch of questions about recipes, and liquor, and the Lord, and such, so I thought it might bring you folks a little encouragement as you struggle to rise above the plague of mediocrity, that is so rampant amongst most people who aren't me.  Please note that although she does mention dates to my hit show, ignore them because my show had done passed.  If you missed it, then I can only hope that you'll find someone else (doubtful) that might set you on a path to Glory!  If you saw it, then I know you were blessed by it!

Again, let me emphatisize that if you show up wanting to see my hit show on the dates listed in this article, you will be disappointed, because I won't be there.  You can start reading now...

Can We Get an Amen, Sister Myotis? 
Posted by Susan Ellis on Fri, Sep 18, 2009 at 8:17 AM

Memphis' thumpiest bible-thumper Sister Myotis is leading her Church Retreat starting Saturday at TheatreSouth. She interrupted her packing to talk to Hungry Memphis.

Hungry Memphis:  You've expressed a fondness for casseroles. What's your favorite?

Sister Myotis:  It's hard to pick a favorite, but if I have to, it's a layered breakfast casserole that Paula Deen taught me how to make: Butter both sides of some Wonder Bread and spread them in the bottom of a dish, cover with a layer of deli-style ham, then some sliced bananas, and another layer of buttered bread. Top with cheddar cheese, chopped bacon, and crumbled up Ruffles. Mix together 2 cups of heavy cream and 4 eggs to pour over the top, then bake it off, and you've got a healthy breakfast with all four food groups!

Hungry Memphis:  We hear church suppers can get competitive. How does the Good Sister stack up?

Sister Myotis:  As always, there are those who try to compete for best covered dish, but we all know that there could be no competition without someone to judge them ... that is really where I "stack up." Some "feel good" churches try to encourage the notion that there are never any losers in life ... but at my church, we want to tell the truth and let people know there are always losers ... and more than likely, they are one. I've even heard some preachers tell a congregation that people are "gifted in different ways," and that they must learn to use their gifts. The truth of the matter is that some people are just not gifted at all. I have come to realize that my God-given gift is the gift of casting judgement.

Hungry Memphis:  Do you have a standard prayer before a meal -- God is good, God is great, etc.? Or do you mix it up?

Sister Myotis:  Well normally, if we are eating at a potluck, the preacher does the prayer for everybody at one time. On a day-to-day basis, for the sake of efficiency, I prefer to pray over all of our groceries when I bring them home from the store. That way, when I cook, I know that everything is "pre-blessed," and I don't have to take time to pray that I could be using for something else. It's a time-saver!

Hungry Memphis:  Gluttony is one of the deadly sins, Sister. What do you have to say for yourself?

Sister Myotis:  It's glandular.

Hungry Memphis:  You'll be bringing back your Church Retreat during the Cooper-Young Festival. It's hosted by Buster's Liquor & Wine. Doesn't drinking go against your religion?

Sister Myotis:  Well, most things go against my religion. But if I followed every little old rule found in the Bible, I'd never again get to eat at Red Lobster, would I? And I just can't imagine that the good Lord doesn't enjoy popcorn shrimp as much as the rest of us. Luckily, the Lord gave us preachers to tell us which of those little Bible rules to follow, and which ones we can ignore! Besides, if Christians were never allowed to be around alcohol, how could we possibly witness to Episcopals?

Sister Myotis's Church Retreat, TheatreSouth (First Congregational Church basement, 1000 S. Cooper) Saturday, September 19th, Friday-Saturday, September 25th-26th, and Friday-Saturday, October 2nd-3rd. Shows are at 8 p.m., and tickets are $20. For tickets, go to http://www.voicesofthesouth.org/ or call 726-0800.

I typed out a line so that you would know that the interview is over and I am talking to you again.

Because I am commanded to...

Love, Sister Myotis

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Sister Myotis in New York City!
June 11th-July 4th at Abingdon Theatre!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Gettin' ready for Camp!

Dear fellow Christians & others,

Join us for Sister Myotis's Bible Camp at Abingdon Theatre in New York City this summer!  We'll be playing there from June 11-July 4, 2010, and you can go ahead an by tickets right now at http://www.abingdontheatre.org/. Y'all come and get your blessing!  Sister Ima & Sister Velma will be joining me, and we are promising a big time of Christian fellowship.  Watch this video of me talkin'...

Because I am commanded to...

Love, Sister Myotis

Email Sister Myotis

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Sister Myotis in New York City!
June 11th-July 4th at Abingdon Theatre!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hostess with the Mostest!

Dear fellow Christians & others,

I just run across this interview on Brother Chris Davis's blog, Intermission Impossible.  I talked to him back when I was about to preach at the Ostrander Rewards in August.  I know it's out of date, but I still have some important things to say that will be impertinant to your attempt at living a Christian life.  Just be sure to ignore the dates, and don't show up to the Ostrander Rewards on August 30th expecting to hear me preach, because it probably won't be the same date this year!  Anyway, here it is...I know it will be a blessing to you:

Hostess with the Mostest: Three Questions with Ostrander Awards host Sister Myotis
Posted by Chris Davis on Tue, Aug 25, 2009 at 2:13 PM

The Ostrander awards are a notoriously pagan affair that brings the entire Memphis theater community together for the purposes of drinking strong beverages and fornication. This Sunday's ceremony may be a bit less wicked than usual though thanks to the presence of the event's host Sister Myotis, who is gearing up for her Off Broadway debut next summer.

We asked Sister how she came to be associated with such a secular affair. Here's what she had to say.

Intermission Impossible: Did you notice that Jesus was nominated for his work on that play Altar Boyz? That was a nice touch, I thought.

Sister Myotis: I was not aware of this. However, I certainly support His nomination. I’m sure that there other true Christians, like myself, who went to see this show not knowing that it was about Catholics. While I applaud the nomination, I’m sure they’ll find some way to give Mary all the credit.

Intermission Impossible: If you could present an award for Godliest show for 2008-09 what would it be?

Sister Myotis:  I would choose Sweeney Todd at Theatre Memphis. In this show, a barber and his neighbor lady take to cutting the throats of evildoers and cooking them up into meat pies. As a true Christian, I am always in full support of ridding the world of evildoers by smoking them out of their holes and sending them on to meet their Maker-even if cannibalism is required! My only suggestion to the writer of this musical is that, as a true Christian, I would have also enjoyed seeing them waterboarded.

Intermission Impossible:  Now you know that theater people are all sinners. How can you stomach being around them so often?

Sister Myotis:  It is true that when you associate with theater folks, you never know the kind of people that you’ll be dealing with. I have read them Jackie Collins books about showbiz types that will lay with anybody that’ll give them a starring role. As directress of my church’s annual Living Christmas Tree, I have no doubt that at some point during the evening I will be propositioned by someone looking to trade their body in exchange for a featured role. Needless to say, I will carry my stun gun in my purse, and have plenty of pamphlets on hand that deal with the conversion of whores.

The Ostranders is an annual awards ceremony honoring excellence in the Memphis theatre community. This will be the 26th year of the awards and the Master of Ceremonies will be Memphis favorite Sister Myotis.

This year's awards ceremony will take place on Sunday, August 30th, from 6-11pm in Hardin Hall at the Memphis Botanic Garden. There will be cocktails and hors d'oeuvres from 6-7, awards ceremony at 7, followed by an after party with DJ's, dancing, and the announcing of the People's Choice Awards.

Join us on August 30th as we celebrate the work of the talented Memphis theatre community!


I drew a line so you would know where I start talking again.

Because I am commanded to...

Love, Sister Myotis

Email Sister Myotis

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Sister Myotis in New York City!
June 11th-July 4th at Abingdon Theatre

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Hostessing the Ostrander Rewards

Dear fellow Christians & others,

Velma just called to tell me that back when I hostessed up the Ostrander Theatre Rewards in Memphis back in August, somebody must have had a camera...cause they have posted some of the sermon that I preached to that Godless, drunken, heathen theatre crowd on the interweb! I hope you get a blessing from it.

Because I am commanded to...

Love, Sister Myotis

Email Sister Myotis

Visit Sister Myotis on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, or Youtube

Sister Myotis in New York City!
June 11th-July 4th at Abingdon Theatre!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

100% Honeybee Approved Music!

Dear fellow Christians & others,

I know that many of you are as concerned about "backward masking" as I am, and worry about this sinister form of brain control that has the ability to take over the minds our young people, forcing them to have sex & take pot! When this technology first come to my attention many years ago, concerned members of the Honeybees Ladies Auxiliary would purchase records that they felt looked particularly devilish, and bring them to the church where Sister Forestine Jenkins (God rest her soul) was able to rig a record player to play backwards, so that we would be able to test records and inform unknowing parents of which records should be burned. Our ladies would sit for hours with a pencil & yellow pad, trying to decipher evil coded messages...some of which still send shivers down my spine. Here are just a few of the wicked messages that we were able to successfully intercept:

"rivet hammer in the day long toward your ding dong all the pan"

"sing in the pencil for tomorrow smoke the bridge"

"take the parents September among orphans do sooth and choke"

What do these commands mean? We still ask ourselves to this day (except for Sister Forestine, who is dead)...but we do take comfort in knowing that the children of our church never had to hear such things! I always encourage parents to keep abreast of the latest technology that may be creeping into your home to turn your children into sex-crazed dopeheads. These days, the devil has gotten smarter...putting music on them little CD things so that we can't play 'em backwards! But I'm proud to say that the church has just diverted over $3 million that was originally meant to feed African orphans, and commissioned a group of engineers to make us a machine that will play them Cd's backwards! We will prevail!

In the meantime, I thought I would share with you parents just a few of the records that the Honeybees Ladies Auxiliary has deemed acceptable for the vulnerable ears of our precious youth! Who knows? Before long, our young folks might forget all about the Lady Gagoo & Taylor Swift, and be tapping their toes to records like these:

Because I am commanded to do so...

Love, Sister Myotis

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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Love & Marriage

Dear fellow Christians and others,

I recently come upon this article where a woman at the Memphis Magazine give me some questions to answer. Many of the questions was about maintaining a Christian marriage, so I thought I'd post it since we're comin' up on the Valentime's Day again...and because so many innocent, vulnerable, young girls don't imagine how quick a long-stem rose, and a shared plate of Valentime's Day tater skins at the TGIFridays can lead to an illegitimate toddler & an eternity spent in a lake of fire! Please take some of my comments to heart, as I want you all to make it to Glory with me! (Well most of you anyway!) As you read the article below, please take notice that they sent a picture taker out to make a new picture of me and put it in the magazine too! (I don't know why folks loves to make so many pictures of me hollering!)

Printed from the website: www.memphismagazine.com


Q&A: Sister Myotis

By Mary Helen Randall

In a city known for its characters, perhaps none so successfully steals the spotlight, literally, as Sister Myotis. Imagine Saturday Night Live's "church lady," but with a Southern accent, floral ensembles in colors only bees can see, on a fire-and-brimstone mission from God. Behind the wig and the cotton dresses is Myotis' creator Steve Swift, 39, who, in addition to working full-time at a local nonprofit, has garnered a cult-like following in the character that arose from his involvement in the local theater group Voices of the South. Myotis became a pious promoter of the shows produced there, and her appearances soon evolved from bit-part player into a one-man (woman?) show. With tongue firmly in cheek, Swift, channeling the wise and godly Myotis, took a few minutes out of her busy casserole-making, soul-saving day to talk to us about love, marriage, and cotton panties.

How long have you been married?

I've been married to my husband Herschel for nearly 44 years. But like a lot of young women I was innocent and naïve, dreaming about wearing a pretty dress and then sharing pigs in a blanket and fruit punch with friends and family at the church Fellowship Hall. But because of my inexperience, I didn't realize that "pigs in a blanket" was gonna take on a whole new meaning after saying "I do."

What's the most challenging part of staying married?

One thing that I learned is that if you're wanting to have a family, there is just some things that you're gonna have to endure. But you certainly don't have to enjoy it!

What about temptations and urges?

My only temptations are potted meat, saltines, and mayonnaise. Herschel's is that he gets too focused on "witnessing." He has a real burden for unsaved golfers, and sometimes stays in Overton Park until 3 a.m.!

Is there a right time or age to marry?

Before you get pregnant!

When, if ever, should you leave your spouse? Only if you're headin' to the guest room! Between Herschel's snoring and his big yeller toenail scratching my leg, there has been many nights when I've took to another bed.

Will getting a divorce send you to a fiery afterlife?

There are a lot of people that's gonna need to slip a can of burn spray in their casket for a lot of reasons, and divorce is one of them.

What about adultery? Is that going to send you "down there?"

I am supportive of all people acting like adults, especially children. There should be no punishment.

Tips for an ailing marriage?

I would warn ladies that from time to time, your husband may ask you to do certain things that shall go unspoken in this wholesome magazine. And despite what he may tell you there is nothing that can be accomplished standing up, stooping over, squatting, or hanging from the ceiling fan that can't be done just as effectively laying flat on your back!

So sex is important in a marriage.

This is a controversial subject. I call it "doin' the shame." There are times when I'll be laying there making out my grocery list, thinking about my Sunday school lesson, and I get to, you know, tingling. But no matter how hard temptation calls, avoid it at all costs. Trust me, if your husband thinks you're enjoying it you'll never get to sleep before nine!

Any advice for newly married women?

A lot of brides will find their new husband begging 'em to slip on a lacy bra, sexy nightgown, or God forbid, a pair of thigh-high boots. But I want to assure you young ladies that there ain't nothing that can be done wearing sinful clothing that can't be done just as well by just discreetly slipping open your flannel housecoat!

So no visits to Victoria's Secret?

No! They sell them thong panties! Thongs are gateway panties leading to immoral conduct. Always wear good, wholesome Christian panties with a wide cotton panel.


I made a line for you so you would know that the article is through. Thank you for reading this...I know it'll be a blessing to you when temptation is nye!

Only because I am commanded to...love, SM

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